Tag: grief

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Hold on to the memories. They hold on to you.

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I can’t believe that it is December 29th. I can’t believe that it has been over a month since my dad has passed away. I can’t believe it is going to be 2025 and we have to enter a new year without him. Sometimes I don’t want to; like I just want to stay here in the past but I can’t and he wouldn’t want that anyway.

December, you have been an interesting one. Full of so many emotions. Most I can’t even put into words.

Usually I would write you a recap of my year but honestly I don’t want to relive all of that again. 2024 was the worst year I could have gone through and I am still processing my grief but in that process I found some light and hope so in that I will recap some of the good.

I had my first colonoscopy, a preventative measure given my dad’s colon cancer. This is good. They removed a very tiny polyp, no sign of cancer. The prep for that was worse than the actual procedure! But let me tell you that it is worth it. Preventative care is underrated and I am begging you that if you are reading this and you have history in your family or are of the age to have one just do it. It is worth it.

I launched my new fitness program in my app! It is Vol. 2 of our Dumbbell Only Program. If you follow me on other socials you have probably seen me talk about it extensively but that is because I am so passionate about health & fitness and the programs I build are designed for everyone to hit their goals!
You get 7-days free by signing up for either a monthly or annual membership!
Not a membership kind of person, I got you. If you want to just purchase a single program you can totally do that here— it is only $10.00 and you keep it forever in the app!

OKAY. On to some real exciting news to end 2024.

In the midst of all of my emotions, missing my dad, trying to navigate life without him and the new normal that is this life I was met with a moment of happiness.

On December 23rd, 2024 at 7:57pm, I was walking under a giant octopus lantern at the aquarium’s Christmas light show when all of a sudden Levi turned to me, dropped on one knee and asked me to marry him. With my mom, my sister and Dave the octopus as my witness I said YES!

Now, you are getting a sneak peak of this because while I have told my close friends and family I have not shared on any socials– SURPRISE! Don’t worry, they will hit IG, TikTok and Facebook tomorrow but this page is my original form of content and so I felt compelled to share here first.

We plan on having an engagement photoshoot in the upcoming weeks so if you are local to Utah and know a photographer please send them my way!

Getting engaged at the end of 2024 was not on my bingo card, especially since all that we have been through as a couple and family but my mom shared a really special moment with me after my proposal happened. She told me that dad and Levi had spoken in September and he asked for his blessing and my dad said yes.

I know my dad was there with me; watching as I said yes to the love of my life. I can’t help but feel sad that he is not going to be here to calm me down as I stress about wedding tasks or walk me down the aisle but I know he is going to be walking along side me every step of the way.

Dad, your little girl is getting married, crazy right. I miss you, thank you for giving Levi the seal of approval and for always being with me even though I can’t see you, I know you are here.

Here’s to 2025; a year of not only change but one of hope.

Until time ❤

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Finding Strength in Goodbye: My Dad’s Journey and His Legacy

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I am not sure how to even start writing this so I will start by saying thank you. Thank you to everyone who has supported my dad and our family throughout this time. From your prayers, love and donations. From friends picking me and my sister up at all hours of the night, to our friends watching over our home while we are away, to my company and my dad’s company for the dinners and supporting us in taking the time away to be together, to everyone and everything, big and small. We couldn’t do any of it without your support.

Writing this feels impossible, but I know it’s important to share. Last month, I wrote about my dad’s battle with cancer and the strength he showed every day. Today, I’m sharing the news that my dad, Randy, passed away on November 11, at 9:50pm PST. Even as I write these words, it’s hard to believe they’re true. I feel like I am living in a nightmare and I will wake up and he will just be here, playing his switch or watching star trek. But no matter how hard this hurts me, to live without him, I know he is in a better place and free of the pain he was in.

My dad was truly amazing. He was strong, loving, and the best father I could have ever asked for. He taught me everything I know—how to stand up for myself, how to work hard, and how to never let anyone tell me I couldn’t achieve something. He showed me what it means to be resilient and never give up, no matter the challenge.

He was also my biggest fan. Whether it was watching my YouTube videos or being the first to like and comment on them, he always made sure I knew how proud he was of me. His unwavering support and belief in me have shaped who I am today, and I will carry those lessons with me for the rest of my life.

I have so many cherished memories of my dad that show just how selfless and loving he was. When I bought my first house in Utah, he didn’t hesitate to fly out and help me move everything. It was just him, my sister, and me, hauling furniture and gym equipment—including my heavy weights—down to the basement. We laughed through the exhaustion, joking that we were way too old for this and swearing we’d get movers the next time. His willingness to help, even when it wasn’t easy, meant so much to me.

My dad always made it a priority to show up for me, and one of my favorite memories is when he flew out to Utah to watch me compete in my first ‘Official’ UT CrossFit competition. It was the first time he’d ever seen me compete, and having him there meant the world to me. I can still picture him helping me gear up with my vest, and the photos from that day are ones I will cherish forever. His presence made me feel unstoppable.

More recently, as I was training for a half marathon, he became my biggest cheerleader. Every Sunday during my long runs, he would cheer me on, encouraging me to keep going and reminding me how proud he was.

I’ve decided to run that half marathon—and every race after it—in his honor. Each mile I complete will be for him, carrying his memory with me and the strength he always believed I had.

I am so grateful for the time I was able to spend with him this year and to have been there to shower him with love as he joined my Noni, Nono and Uncle Rick in heaven. Though he is not physically with me, I know his spirit is here, guiding me and protecting me. I know he is watching over me, my sister and mom and we will continue to look for the signs that he is still here. Some days it feels like I can barely get out of bed but I promise to him that I will live, that I will do it all for him.

As we move forward and try to navigate what this chapter of our lives look like I am so grateful for the love and support we have had from friends and family. As many of you know, my dad was the heart of our family, the provider, and our rock. To support my mom, we’ve kept his GoFundMe page active to help ease some of the financial burden and allow my mom to focus on healing.

If you feel moved to contribute or share the link, it would mean the world to us. Your kindness and generosity have already carried us through so much, and I know my dad would be so grateful for the way everyone has shown up for our family.

I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the outpouring of love we’ve received and the memories of my dad that will forever live in my heart. My dad’s life was one of strength, kindness, and unwavering love, and I am committed to carrying his legacy forward in everything I do.

Thank you for being part of our journey and for continuing to lift us up during this unimaginable time. Whether it’s through a prayer, a kind word, or a contribution to his GoFundMe, please know that your support means more to us than words can ever express.

My dad always taught me to face life with courage and to never give up. And while the path ahead feels uncertain, I will honor him by living fearlessly, just as he would have wanted.

U𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓁 𝓃𝑒𝓍𝓉 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒, 𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓎 𝒻𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓁𝑒𝓈𝓈 🖤 – 𝒯

This isn’t goodbye, this is simply see you later Dad ❤

LIFE UPDATES!

𝓕𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓛𝓲𝓯𝓮 𝓤𝓹𝓭𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓼

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The last time I placed pen to paper or in this case thoughts to keyboard was in May of this year. That is wild. If you follow me on other social media platforms you know that the last 6 months have been wild. For those who are new here, or who do not follow me on other social platforms, it is time I provide a few updates and share where I have been the last 6 months.

Where do I even start… I guess the best way is to break it down by month. Let’s see what I can remember.

Ｍａｙ: I promised I would start writing monthly recaps. While the intent was there, the commitment was not. I apologize! At least by end of this year we will get back to monthly recaps. Some positives of May were I launched my app programs and started vlogging again on Youtube. If you have not checked my latest videos out you can view them here:
– Fashion / Clothing Hauls & Reviews
– Cooking Through Cookbooks
– Adventure Vlogs
– and so much more!
May was just starting to get good– but then the unthinkable happened. We got a call from my mom– my dad was in the ER with immense stomach pain, we thought oh shit, appendicitis? GI Issue. It was more than that. My dad had a mass pushing on his appendix causing his appendicitis, it had to be removed fast so off to emergency surgery he went. So on the first flight out of UT, my sister and I flew to California to be with him. What happened next is unimaginable. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Colon Cancer. Yeah, you heard me. Metastatic. The one thing that made me smile in May was my Binks turning 15. But from May to now… my months started to run together and I just couldn’t get myself to write these blogs. It felt like time was standing still.
June came anyways.

Ｊｕｎｅ ／ Ｊｕｌｙ: These two months just seem to run into one another. We spent majority of them back home in California. Getting Dad ready for treatment, working with his doctors, managers and employees to make sure he felt supported during this time.
We took dad to the lake, he had his first chemo appointments and he still was doing the things he loved, like building his models. He encouraged me to continue to do what I love which was train for this half marathon. To be honest, the running has helped me cope and in July I ran my 10k in prep for my 13.1 in November. It marked the half way mark of my training. Dad continued to fight and kick cancers ass.

Ａｕｇｕｓｔ ／ Ｓｅｐｔｅｍｂｅｒ: End of summer beginning of Fall came and went in a Flash. Dad was still kicking cancer in the teeth but the first treatment did not work. They started him on a new treatment. He still was fighting an uphill battle. Our Kona girl also was battling being sick. She has been for sometime, suffering with hip dysplasia and she also had a cancerous tumor removed this year. Kona and Dad fought together. Everything was going well so we tried to get back to some sense of normalcy and planned a few trips in September to celebrate Levi and Lo’s birthdays. We were able to make it to Southern Utah to be with friends and enjoy nature but after we returned, all hell broke lose.

It was a series of emergencies that seemed like it was out of a movie. First, we lost out sweet girl Kona. It was the most tragic thing to have to go through. She fought so hard and long but it was her time to meet Bucky over the rainbow bridge. It was tragic, the last weekend we drove out, never would have thought it would be my last with her. The following few weeks were even more traumatic. Mom had to have a procedure done to place a stent in her bile duct to help her pass gallstones. We had known this was coming, it was a simple out patient procedure all was to be well. Tuesday she is back home recovering and my dad gets sicker– high blood pressure, fast heart rate, pain again– off to the ER they go. Tuesday night my sister and I are on a flight back to California, Seattle trip canceled. Dad has two blood clots (PEs) in his lungs. They had reached their final destination but now he would be on blood thinners for his life. He is doing well, all is good, I stay with him the second night we are in town and at 3am my mom ends up in the ER on the first floor below us. She is in immense pain and then that day, has emergency surgery to remove her gallbladder. Recovering the next day in the hospital she is doing well so they release her. We are all back home, recovering and Saturday happens. My mom is back in the ER with a Blood Clot in her lung. Another WTF is happening moment. She is too placed on blood thinners monitored over night and release the following day.


That leads us all the way to present day.

Ｏｃｔｏｂｅr: It takes a village and we could not have done anything without the help of Our neighbors Pauline and Dave and my dad’s friend John that week/ Weekend. It was a series of WTF moments but I can say that everyone is back home and safe and recovering. Dad has his 4th treatment on this new Chemo drug and while Mom is still recovering, she is a true super hero taking care of my dad. Her strength is stronger than anyone I know.

If you stuck around this long I appreciate you and thank you for supporting me, my family and this blog. It is so appreciated. For October, Fall has arrived and we are trying to live each moment, for us, for my family, for life. Because life is so short and it should be lived.

If you would like to help my dad fight his cause, he has a GoFundMe page. We appreciate everyone who has donated so far. It has helped him get things like medical supplies, his walker, nutrition supplements and pay for the co-payments for treatments. My family and I appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers and good vibes.