I’ll start by saying this: This blog post is a very personal post and I struggled trying to not only gather this all from my head and type it onto a keyboard but also expose myself on this level.
I’m exposing my life and I know some of you may judge reading this. You may think, “I don’t understand, she always seems happy” or “what is she talking about she is so fit.”
I’m going to tell you right now.
Check your judgmental shit at the door. This is my journey and I am exposing it for people to read it and understand, it’s perfectly ok to feel the way you do and for others to know, that people like me, hell maybe even you, we don’t ALWAYS have our shit together. Even if it may seem we do, I’m telling you now, 80-90% of the time we are winging it.
So strap in and hang on. I am gonna throw your ass threw a loop.
It’s not apparent but I have a negative relationship with food. I have body image issues and I live every day with High Functioning Depression. Yeah I said that word… depression.
But not like the stereotypical depression where one cannot hold down a job, maintain basic hygiene, get out of bed, or commit to any relationship. I’m in fact the opposite and you probably wouldn’t notice the difference.
If you want to learn more about it google it- I’m not going to bore you with a psych 101 lesson.
But get this, it’s not like it happened over night. It’s actually the opposite. So let’s jump back a second.
Circa 2009-2012:
I thought I had my shit together… not really. I got the dream job, I was an EMT and then I managed to get diagnosed with tumors, peace out of a 5year relationship and then my roller coaster really began. A series of failed “trial” relationships, alcohol to cope and oh food, that was a fun addiction too.
Now in 2010 I was about 20lbs heavier than my normal 143 frame. Yup that’s right.
I weighed in at 163lbs. I did not work out. I fed my body shit and I used alcohol to cope with how shitty I felt about a lot of things. This all lead into my obsession with food, and a spiral into a functioning human who was depressed AF. But again, ask anyone who knew me, they’d tell you differently.
Step into 2011 when I was hired as an EMT and I started to “get my shit together” But in reality… all I did was lose the weight.
I didn’t get any shit together and I was still battling ugly ass demons. The only difference was I was in a different spot with a different job, different people in my life and different problems to fight and I was obsessively compulsive about my weight, what I ate, and fitness. Again… I thought my shit was together… so did everyone else.
2013-2014 I was diagnosed with Phyllodes Tumors. Right when things in my life couldn’t get any worse, I get to have half of my boobs whacked off. Oh, no working out either so guess who got fat again. Yup. I did and the obsession with food trickled right back in… you can add in the occasional alcohol as well.
2014 was a year that broke me.. but silently. I struggled to get back into a routine and I was unhappy AF in my job, my relationship and looking in the mirror. Everything felt like a tiny tunnel I was crawling through, but I still saw a tiny bit of light.
2015 post recovery : I was cleared to workout again, and my obsession with food turned again into an obsession to loose the weight I had gained. I did. But the rest of the bullshit was still there. To not think about it and to not be depressed, I put energy into others. I started a fitness company, I did volunteer work, shit, I did anything to not listen to the bullshit inside my own head.
This cycle of shit talking to reflection in the mirror, feeding it crap, getting drunk and then torturing myself at the gym went on for the next two years.
Transformation.
After transformation.
After transformation.
After every single picture. Every diet.
The battle with who I was, who I saw in the mirror and who I thought everyone wanted me to be continued.
Today, I’m thankful to have a semi-healthier relationship with food. I said “semi” because I’m not 100% healed and who really knows how, if or when I will ever be. I still look in the mirror and at times, hate the way I look, and still those negative things in my head creep up.
This year has been a focus on self love and detoxing from Judgement, because its still there.
Here is the thing, every person is fighting a battle. My battle is different than yours, and it will never be anyone’s to judge. It’s something that has taken a while to comprehend.
The one thing we can do is support each other, be non judgmental and listen to how each person feels. Who are you to say if I am skinny enough, fit enough, workout enough, or the opposite. That’s for no one to judge not even me.
In the light of the recent passing of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain I guess the goal of sharing this with everyone is so people understand that all people struggle and while people who might seem to be strong might really be struggling inside and we should all be aware of that if we are close to them.
And please don’t think this is some kind of cry for help post… it’s not. Not that there is anything wrong with those posts, that’s just not how I roll.
My hopes in writing this week is to remind you to ask your “strong” friends, family and loved ones, how they truly are doing and if they open up to you about their struggles don’t discount their feelings just because you see them as perfect.
It reminds me of the scene in the movie “I feel pretty” where a fit, attractive girl, tells Amy Schumer character she is “having self esteem issues” and Amy’s character rolls her eyes and says how she could, punch her jokingly. How bout let’s not respond like that. Just because my issues are not your issues and vise verse doesn’t nog make one greater than the other. If someone is struggling, they need help.
Period.
Help them.
Now that you know just a little bit more of my story. Next weeks post will be back to business with an RP Strength update and some yum recipes so stay tuned!
And as always, if it’s your first visit, thanks for reading. Drop your email to subscribe, support and share to those whom might benefit.
Be kind, be true and thanks for listening!
Coach T
Team Fearless Fitness 